Santa's Drunk Again

I just had a wonderful time with the grandkiddes visiting Santa.  Our best friends grandaughter was so afraid of Santa that we now have this great picture of here crying and trying to get away.  And then it dawned on me........Santa was probably drunk.  Taking the kids to see a drunken Santa should be part of a family tradition.  If you haven't started one, you probably should do it right away. Better to start this tradition while the little darlings are young enough to have enough intuition to be afraid of a drunken guy , in the mall, enticing young children with candy canes to sit on his lap and share secrets.  Ok,think about this conversation, and see if it doesn't sound familiar:
Johnny, Come over here and sit on Santa's lap.  Don't be afraid, here's a candy cane.  Now tell old Santa, what is the one thing in the world that you want the most?  Old Santa will try to make sure you get it if you're good and do what your told.  Ho, Ho, Ho, that's what you want?  Ok, now don't tell anyone, this will be just between you and Ole Santa here, ok?  'Cause if you tell anyone, you won't get your presents.  Remember, I know where you live, I know when you sleep, and I know if you're good or bad.

You see, when you start to put it in perspective, Santa's just a little creepy..........midgets in a sweatshop? You need to leave him milk and cookies?  Sneaks into your house at night?  Magic dust to make you fly?

See why this is such a great holiday icon?

Ok, I know you're thinking I've gone a little too far here with the drunken Santa as a tradition thing here, but I'll bet ALL of you have already shared this tradition with your little darlings.  Think not, let me refresh your memories........

Coming back now, ain't it?  Percy Helton was a drunken santa in Miracle on 34th street, 1947.  Oh yeah, you did watch it......and you let your kids watch it too.....

Here's a picture for those of us with Irish heritage.  No red suit here, just good old Kelly green.  Same sentiment though, Santa is a drunk.

Naughty List?

But the best portrayal EVER (and one of my all-time favorite movies) is Billy Bob Thornton in BAD SANTA....This is a MUST see, and always brings tears to my eyes.

More from the movie...

And it gets creepier in other cultures.......

So like my kids like to paraphrase the Christmas carol rendition from Jose Feliciano

"The Police have my Dad"

Merry Christmas....start a tradition.

I said, "I want a BEER in the hot tub".

Ok, I've come up with a few alternative activities for you to do with your offspring.  Even my twisted brain would've never thought of this one........First, find yourself a Grizzly Bear cub.  This may be difficult task, but hey, if you're reading this, you are not your average bingo-playing grampa.  Use your imagination, some Jack Daniels, and some bear bait. Ok, everyone got your bear cub?  Ok, follow me on this.........now raise it in your house.  No, not in some cage, I mean IN the house....you know, invite it to Thanksgiving Dinner, make it the best man at your wedding, you know, make it feel at home.

Now, I'm a Montana boy, so I've been accused of a lot of sick things. (Sadly, I'm proud of most of them), but a Grizzly bear?  Hey, let's see if the bear would like a beer....A bath, a beer, and a bear......Saturday night on the ranch.

I know many of you think I make this shit up.  Heck no, I'm too lazy to use photoshop, or anything else complicated.  I simply stole this from the much trusted Nat Geo site.

This is a real storyBrutus and Dumbass  click on the link and watch the birthday special......

Another episode of Dysfunctional Family Theatre ----The Thanksgiving Special

Well, here wo go.  It's that time of the year again.  Yup time where geezers can pass on fine family traditions to bind the family together.  Ok, odd family person, you don't actually "Bind" the people in the family and make them stay in the basement.  It means to keep them close.

Ok, today's special holiday (American Thanksgiving) is all about giving thanks.  But thanks for what?  I'm particularly thankful that I can pass on a great tradition to another generation.  What tradition you ask?  The one where we make a national holiday based upon shoving moldy bread up a dead turkey's butt and baking it.  Now you may think, this fine tradition (well basted in alcohol....no , not the turkey, the family members) would be enough.  But no, someone in the family must have thought turkey was not sufficient.  Voila, the creation of that new tradition:

The birth of the TURDUCKEN.......Take a chicken.....stuff it in a duck, put the duck in the turkey, and cook the whole thing together.   How fun.  Looks great. 

How could you improve on that you may ask.  (OK, you may not ask, but that doesn't stop the rabid grampa blogger).   First you find the odd family cousin who lives somewhere in something we call a holler.  It varies by region, but you get the idea.  Present him (this may be the same family member who misinterprets traditions that bind) with a challenge.  Bet you can't make this Turducken any better......  Of course, this is like bear bait, and wierd cousin Beauregard comes up with the addtion of BACON.....(Just because he's weird, doesn't mean he ain't brilliant you know):

 

So there you have this week's issue of Dysfunctional Family Theatre.....the Thanksgiving Special

Halloween Fun

Shouldn't everyone be afraid of something like this?  See, it doesn't seem quite so weird at Halloween, but try this at Easter, and you're a true psycho

There's so many fun things to do with the kiddies on Halloween that would land you in jail any other time of the year.  Oh yeah, just try luring small children to your house with brightly lit decorations and promises of candy any other time of year.  Anyway, you can dress up in inappropriate costumes, tell them scary stories, make humorous drunkin, pukin pump-ko-lantern (cause nuttin is funnier than a  pukin punkin), or teach them generally unsafe behaviors like the old coot using the punkin for a boat.

This should scare the neighbors

So here's something fun to do with the little dears.  Halloween. A great time to do so many inappropriate things. 

This old coot is inflicting revenge on his children by showing how this is done to his grandchildren.  Wish I had a big punkin to use as a bad example.

This one is nice, because it teaches kids the cause and effect relationship.

Home Safety

Ok, you want your house to be safe when you return home from one of my recommended field trips with the kiddies.  Here's an idea you can use.  Have the little dears lay down on the porch or sidewalk.  Find some chalk.....you probably let them use it in the back yard last time you barbequed so you could drink a cold frosty barley pop in peace.....outline the bodies of the precious ones.  Put up some crime scene tape....For improved performance, add some splattered ketchup.  Leave some empty 9mm casings and put those little evidence numbers around.  Nobody should bother the house (unless they're really psycho, and then they were probably gonna do crazy stuff anyway).  For extra fun, pick a TV  or movie character the kids really like.  Before the kids come to visit use your creative talents to make a chalk outline.  You can add the crime scene, ketchup, and spent shell casings if you want.  Make it recognizable.  Wait for the surprised look on thier faces.  Sponge Bob and that purple dinosaur would be funny to me, or the guy from Yo Gabba Gabba.  I wouldn't feel bad about letting them fret about any of them.  Hey, don't judge so harshly.....you did lie to them about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny didn't you?

Geography

If you are a follower of this blog, you no doubt are looking for fun activities to share with the little sweeties.  But, if you're like me, you want to get those grampa credits with minimal impact to your leisure time.  So, pour yourself a glass of scotch (it has to be older than your grandchildren) and review this simplified map.  It will make teaching the little cuties about the world we live in.  They can be way ahead of other kids in thier class, because they'll be able to recognize areas of the world, the basis for their economy, political views, and current world events.  Go on, give it a try, learning can be fun.

Take 'em to a movie

Here's idea for things to do with the little darlings now that the weather is turning toward fall.  You could take them to a movie.  Animation and 3-D have improved a great deal.  The technology is wonderful.  Even better, the vampire-themed movies should be a hit.....what could go wrong?  Here's a little story about how a shared activity can have a long-lasting influence on the little gems.  That's what you want, right?  To influence them so they inflict pain upon thier parents?  You know, payback for what they did to you?

Well, here's the story.  (Unverified, or perhaps made-up, as are most of the facts in this blog.)

The arrest of an American man who broke into a woman’s house and tried to suck her blood over the weekend has sparked discussion about the impact of vampire books and movies on U.S. youth culture.
Whether pop culture played a role in the attack remains to be seen, as 19-year-old Lyle Monroe Bensley awaits a psychiatric evaluation in jail on burglary charges in Galveston, Texas.
Found growling and hissing in a parking lot and wearing only boxer shorts, the pierced and tattooed Bensley claimed he was a 500-year-old vampire who needed to “feed,” Galveston Police Capt. Jeff Heyse said.
Vampires have been a focal point of literature since Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel, “Dracula”. But fascination, particularly among young people, has peaked in recent years with the popularity of the “Twilight” books about teenage vampires and the television series, “True Blood.”

Moose Logging

Ok, any ole redneck grampa can teach the little sweethearts to use a chainsaw and alcohol.  If you want to be a real party favorite, hitch up the moose to a buncha logs.  Yard them babies out of the woods.  For a real treat, let the kids ride in the moose rack.  Plus, the things you could do with a stump-broke moose.

Bacon and Jack Daniels....What's not to love.

Here's the perfect breakfast.  Have some before the little munchkins show up.  Or share it with them.......

Here's some more things a bad grandparent could do with their little darlings........

After allegedly robbing a convenience store in Aiken County, South Carolina, United States, a man fled the scene on a riding lawnmower. Police apprehended the suspect near the scene.

According to the Aiken County Sheriff's Office, Ricky New entered the store carrying a large stick, demanded money, assaulted the clerk with the stick, and left with an undisclosed amount of money. He then tried to make his getaway on a Craftsman mower. His face was concealed by a towel, but Ricky New lives nearby and the clerk identified him promptly after the incident.

This is NOT a cute kitty

So, here's a little something.  Even though you may live in town, you can still round up fun things for the little munchkins to do.  Wait til after dark......have something to drink (oh yeah, if you're looking here for grampa advice, you probably already did this).  Wait for a porcupine to climb up on your porch to eat the flowers.  Resist the temptation to shoot and BBQ the little bastard.  Now tell the kids to come look at the kitty.......stop them before they get too close, unless you want to spend the night in the ER waiting for the tired staff to pick out the quills.  No, they won't give grampas the pain medicine, unless you had to hold the little sweeties on the way.   Now, if you've successfully stopped the kids in time, send them back into the house to watch from the window.  Get yourself the proverbial 10 foot pole (anything will work, broom, rake, spare PVC pipe) and gently prod the prick off your porch.  Unless they are rabid, or cornered, they won't get aggressive.  You also can't get them to move too fast.  After all, how many natural predators do they have?   Prod the portly portable cactus into the dark toward the neighbors yard.  Do not call animal control, after all, there may be another drunken grandparent waiting to impress their little darlings too.  Go back inside.  Proclaim incredible thirst.  Go to bed.  Remember to check the porch if you wake up to go outside before morning.

Couch Spuds Gotta Move

Ok, it's time to get up off the couch and do something with the little sweeties.  You can go to WalMart.....there are so many wonders to see.  Looking on line at "People of Walmart" is not equivalent to seeing the incredible sights in person. I mean, where else could you find Grampa with a Chihuahua in a Tiara?  You don't want them learning this stuff without old reliable people around.

Great Day

Today we had a poolside birthday party for the youngest granddaughter Pallas. What helps with this is a couple of Redhook IPAs.  I have tried this sort of thing with and without the IPA.  I find I am a much more tolerant and fun guy to be around with the IPA.  I really could care less if the kids set the house on fire this way.  The dogs are getting tortured and loving it.  We also used a friends pool.  Do this whenever you can.

This is my first blogging attempt. Who knows how it will turn out.

How does this work?