Santa's Drunk Again

I just had a wonderful time with the grandkiddes visiting Santa.  Our best friends grandaughter was so afraid of Santa that we now have this great picture of here crying and trying to get away.  And then it dawned on me........Santa was probably drunk.  Taking the kids to see a drunken Santa should be part of a family tradition.  If you haven't started one, you probably should do it right away. Better to start this tradition while the little darlings are young enough to have enough intuition to be afraid of a drunken guy , in the mall, enticing young children with candy canes to sit on his lap and share secrets.  Ok,think about this conversation, and see if it doesn't sound familiar:
Johnny, Come over here and sit on Santa's lap.  Don't be afraid, here's a candy cane.  Now tell old Santa, what is the one thing in the world that you want the most?  Old Santa will try to make sure you get it if you're good and do what your told.  Ho, Ho, Ho, that's what you want?  Ok, now don't tell anyone, this will be just between you and Ole Santa here, ok?  'Cause if you tell anyone, you won't get your presents.  Remember, I know where you live, I know when you sleep, and I know if you're good or bad.

You see, when you start to put it in perspective, Santa's just a little creepy..........midgets in a sweatshop? You need to leave him milk and cookies?  Sneaks into your house at night?  Magic dust to make you fly?

See why this is such a great holiday icon?

Ok, I know you're thinking I've gone a little too far here with the drunken Santa as a tradition thing here, but I'll bet ALL of you have already shared this tradition with your little darlings.  Think not, let me refresh your memories........

Coming back now, ain't it?  Percy Helton was a drunken santa in Miracle on 34th street, 1947.  Oh yeah, you did watch it......and you let your kids watch it too.....

Here's a picture for those of us with Irish heritage.  No red suit here, just good old Kelly green.  Same sentiment though, Santa is a drunk.

Naughty List?

But the best portrayal EVER (and one of my all-time favorite movies) is Billy Bob Thornton in BAD SANTA....This is a MUST see, and always brings tears to my eyes.

More from the movie...

And it gets creepier in other cultures.......

So like my kids like to paraphrase the Christmas carol rendition from Jose Feliciano

"The Police have my Dad"

Merry Christmas....start a tradition.

I said, "I want a BEER in the hot tub".

Ok, I've come up with a few alternative activities for you to do with your offspring.  Even my twisted brain would've never thought of this one........First, find yourself a Grizzly Bear cub.  This may be difficult task, but hey, if you're reading this, you are not your average bingo-playing grampa.  Use your imagination, some Jack Daniels, and some bear bait. Ok, everyone got your bear cub?  Ok, follow me on this.........now raise it in your house.  No, not in some cage, I mean IN the house....you know, invite it to Thanksgiving Dinner, make it the best man at your wedding, you know, make it feel at home.

Now, I'm a Montana boy, so I've been accused of a lot of sick things. (Sadly, I'm proud of most of them), but a Grizzly bear?  Hey, let's see if the bear would like a beer....A bath, a beer, and a bear......Saturday night on the ranch.

I know many of you think I make this shit up.  Heck no, I'm too lazy to use photoshop, or anything else complicated.  I simply stole this from the much trusted Nat Geo site.

This is a real storyBrutus and Dumbass  click on the link and watch the birthday special......

Another episode of Dysfunctional Family Theatre ----The Thanksgiving Special

Well, here wo go.  It's that time of the year again.  Yup time where geezers can pass on fine family traditions to bind the family together.  Ok, odd family person, you don't actually "Bind" the people in the family and make them stay in the basement.  It means to keep them close.

Ok, today's special holiday (American Thanksgiving) is all about giving thanks.  But thanks for what?  I'm particularly thankful that I can pass on a great tradition to another generation.  What tradition you ask?  The one where we make a national holiday based upon shoving moldy bread up a dead turkey's butt and baking it.  Now you may think, this fine tradition (well basted in alcohol....no , not the turkey, the family members) would be enough.  But no, someone in the family must have thought turkey was not sufficient.  Voila, the creation of that new tradition:

The birth of the TURDUCKEN.......Take a chicken.....stuff it in a duck, put the duck in the turkey, and cook the whole thing together.   How fun.  Looks great. 

How could you improve on that you may ask.  (OK, you may not ask, but that doesn't stop the rabid grampa blogger).   First you find the odd family cousin who lives somewhere in something we call a holler.  It varies by region, but you get the idea.  Present him (this may be the same family member who misinterprets traditions that bind) with a challenge.  Bet you can't make this Turducken any better......  Of course, this is like bear bait, and wierd cousin Beauregard comes up with the addtion of BACON.....(Just because he's weird, doesn't mean he ain't brilliant you know):

 

So there you have this week's issue of Dysfunctional Family Theatre.....the Thanksgiving Special